Thou Shalt Share Your Feelings

By MICHAEL KRESS

Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments
By Shmuley Boteach
256 pages. Doubleday. $21.

Judaism doesn't seem to say much about being single. Find your bashert (your intended one), get married, have kids: This seems to be the predominant message of Judaism when it comes to relationships. How to find that bashert—and ensure that he or she feels the same way about you—hardly seems of concern to the sources that define our tradition, or at least the sources I learned in school and elsewhere. Though those sources say many wonderful, moving, meaningful things about wedded life and finding one's soul mate, they do not speak in any significant way that I know of about the loneliness of being single, the search for Mr. or Ms. Right, or being single by choice.

Enter Shmuley Boteach. The author of Kosher Sex follows with Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments, in which he attempts to apply the wisdom of Judaism—and wisdom in general—to dating, seeking, and choosing to settle down. Throughout the book, he uses each of the Ten Commandments as a loose—very loose—jumping-off point to discuss an issue pertaining to dating and relationships; in the book, for instance, the second Commandment, "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me," becomes "To be the one and only is essential in any relationship." If it sounds hokey, that’s because it is, but if you can get past his irritating personality—I couldn't, alas—there are nuggets of good ideas here. Unfortunately, there are some poor ideas as well.

First, the bad news. Boteach falls short both on style and substance. The self-deprecating voice he uses seems intended to endear him to his readership; it didn't for me. He comes off as the insecure kid who uses self-deprecating humor in a desperate attempt to be thought of as cool and well-loved. He seems to want to be thought of as a forceful moral voice while also speaking in the language of today's jaded and irony-steeped youth, but he is not up to either task, certainly not both together.

As far as content goes, I have several major issues with Boteach. One is his outdated use of gender stereotypes: In his world, all men are afraid of commitment and just want sex, while women want to cuddle, don't enjoy sex unless it's with their husband, and use sex as a weapon or tool to manipulate their man. I don't know about you, but that just ain't my world.

Worse, though, is the paradox at the heart of Boteach's book, one that so many relationship books fall prey to. Boteach tells readers to "show [their] true selves" to their dates, but he then offers an entire book of advice on how to act on a date and how to treat the person whom you are dating. That's fine if your "true self" fits the dazzling personality Boteach prescribes: if you naturally strike the perfect balance between confidence and humility, listening skills and talking skills, selflessness and self awareness. For the rest of us, Boteach asks that we not show our true selves, but

rather strive to be the self he says we should be.

There's another side to what Boteach offers, though. In addition to generic dating advice, he suggests the importance of imbuing relationships with spirituality and ethical passion. The fourth commandment, about keeping Shabbat, becomes in Boteach's hands: "A relationship needs sacred moments cordoned off from the rest of life." And on issues like these, he could not be more right: Finding time and space for the sacred is essential to a relationship, and in our fast-paced, cynical world, it is something that is all too often overlooked.

As someone recently married, I have found few moments in my relationship with my wife Stephanie as fulfilling and meaningful as those in which our shared love of Judaism came out: serving meals together in my sukkah, attending Carlebach-style Friday night services together, giving change and stopping to chat briefly with a panhandler in Harvard Square. It was in these moments that I believe our relationship achieved its highest potential and it is these moments that I seek to increase and improve upon as we embark on our married life together. Boteach recognizes that this spiritual growth is vital to any long-term relationship.

In addition, one of Boteach’s strengths is his unflinching belief in the power of intimate relationships to spur personal growth. In an age when men and women are encouraged to be independent, pursue their careers and personal ambitions, Boteach affirms the sacredness of the marital relationship. That perhaps, is the best advice of all. 

Reprinted with permission from the AVI CHAI Bookshelf, where birthright israel alumni can order free books and periodicals.